My failed introduction attempt #1:

Hello. I am Ellen Redbird, and I am not precocious. For example, I am 38, and I just had to look up the spelling of “precocious.” However, I made it out of the womb successfully at age 0. Some do it earlier, but I feel my timing was adequate.

What is more important is that you made it to my site. You are just in time to decide whether to be jealous of me. You will decide there is nothing of which to be jealous, trust me. Or rather, do not trust me, because you probably do not know me (hi, Mom!) and will have even less of a sense of my identity after you experience this site.

Critic:

You do not use contractions. That means you fail to implement casual language. If that were not enough, your attempt at humility creates the opposite effect: that you are boasting. Additionally, you explicitly tell the reader what to think and feel. You must be more sneaky. Finally, you discourage the reader from exploring your site, which will adversely affect your book sales. You must make the reader welcome, comfortable, curious, and excited. If you cannot do this with your authentic personality, please consider hiring a professional writer or read this example paragraph from my website on how to construct a writer’s website:

Twas great fun in the womb, but boy was I tickled to pop out and see what I could learn and self-express. You never know where zero will lead you until you take that first lunge into the world. It’s kind of like a book launch. The umbilical cord cut. The placenta buried or eaten. What a funny adventure, like mowing the lawn or attaining enlightenment by looking at an exceptionally tiny petunia. Life’s about creativity, and I’m happy to share mine with you.

My response to criticism:

When have you ever seen an “exceptionally tiny petunia”? Is this something you read about or actually experienced? I actually did experience being born, though I cannot remember it. I have faith that it was my experience. So, are you saying I should also take it on faith that you have seen an exceptionally tiny petunia, let alone attained enlightenment via said flower? I suppose then I could understand.

Critic:

The petunia is not important.